Mongol General: What is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.
His name is
Steve Allan (yes, with an 'a'). He lives in Charlotte. He is a consultant, more specifically he is a consultant to local governments - county commissioners, city councils, and such. Because Mr. Allan is a consultant and he lives more than 50 miles from Rockingham County, he is considered an expert on any subject. If Mr. Allan lived in Rockingham County, he would be considered just another local yokel with an opinion, and you know what they say about opinions and certain body orifices. The only way Mr. Allan could live in Rockingham County and still be considered an expert would be if he were friends with Dubby Pryor
Because he is an expert and a consultant to government, Mr. Allan has made a lot of money during his career. In fact he has made much of his fortune from you and I. Mr. Allan is so expert at what he does he has been hired to study the Rockingham County Courthouse every three or four years since 1994. As you already know, all of Mr. Allan's studies have always reached the same conclusion - Rockingham County needs a new and very expensive courthouse.
Mr. Allan has made more money telling the Commissioners that the county needs a new courthouse than the entire staff of the Neely Carbuncle (we'll explain later) and their children, grandchildren, and great-granchildren will pay in property taxes in all their lifetimes. Every dime the Carbuncle staff and their descendants have and will in the future borrow on their credit cards to pay property taxes has already gone in consultant Steve Allan's expert pocket. No less than four generations of the Richard Moore family will break into a sweat every December 31st trying to figure out where to come up with the property tax money to pay Steve Allan to tell the Rockingham County Commissioners that the courthouse is old.
Mr. Allan has done such outstanding work on studying the Rockingham County Coruthouse that the County Commissioners recently hired him to do an organization efficiency study of the Rockingham County government. The fact that Mr. Allan had never done an organziation efficiency study did not deter the Commissioners. The Commissioners were so pleased with Allan's many courthouse studies that Allan's total lack of experience with organizational efficiency studies was overlooked. Mr. Allan was also the low bidder for the efficiency study job. Better yet, County Manager Tom Robinson personally gave Mr. Allan a big "thumbs-up" for efficiency study job Apparently, Tom and Steve had been pals when Tom was the Pitt County Manager. It always helps to have friends in high places and very often it helps to have friends in low places.
At the same time the Commissioners formed the Citizens Budget Study Task Force Pilot Program (CBSTFPP) to find ways for the county government to save money, the Commissioners also decided to hire Steve Allan for $18,000 plus expenses. No doubt a few people saw the irony of the Commissioners forming a cost-saving committee while in practically the same breath hiring an inexperienced consultant to do yet another study for the county government. It would take only three months for that irony to hit full force in the face of anyone with a pulse.
The Commissioners briefly struggled with how the work of the CBSTFPP would relate to the work of expert Steve Allan. It was finally decided the CBSTFPP would do its thing and the professional (Mr. Allan) would do his thing and help the amateurs whenever they could not understand and appreciate the complexities of county government.
Allan met with the CBSTFPP one time for less than an hour, for which the taxpayers were probably billed $300-$500 for his time and travel expenses. During the meeting, Allan basically did only two things: 1) let the amateurs know they were amateurs and misguided to boot; and 2) announce that he could write a better newspaper than the Neely Chronicle even if he didn't know how to slop hogs better than CBSTFPP member Garland McCollum. The encounter left somewhat less than a pleasant taste in the mouths of most CBSTFPP members. No one had any idea of just how unsavory things would be when professional Steve Allan delivered his report to the Commissioners and collected his $18,000 fee.
After the meeting with Allan, CBSTFPP Chairman Tom Schoolfield naively speculated that Allan didn't share much of substance with the CBSTFPP because Allan was holding back the "good stuff" for when he made his report to the Commissioners. Chairman Schoolfield was not impressed with Allan, but he wanted to believe it was because Allan was hiding the "goodies" from the CBSTFPP. Allan was being paid $18,000 for his expert services and he didn't want the CBSTFPP to steal his thunder. The amateurs would have to settle for a serving of oatmeal while the professional brought home the bacon.
Schoolfield seemed to think Allan intended to punch out the Commissioners' lights. Schoolfield believed Allan was going to take the Commissioners to task for not minding the store. A month later, Tom Schoolfield learned he has never been more wrong in his entire life. Steve Allan, like every consultant, especially a consultant to government, knows who butters his bread.
If anybody's lights got punched out when Allan delivered his report to the Commissioners, it was Tom Schoolfield's. Steve Allan accused Schoolfield's committee of comparing "bananas to basketballs" when the CBSTFPP reported departmental operating cost differences to the Commissioners. "Bananas to basketballs" - pretty funny, huh? Surely, somebody put Allan up to trying to discredit the CBSTFPP with the "bananas to basketballs" wisecrack because the CBSTFPP had absolutely nothing to do with Allan's organizational efficiency study. No serious consultant would have drifted into the CBSTFPP's territory unless they were instructed to do so.
By any measure, Tom Schoolfield and the CBSTFPP have done an excellent job of researching the cost of running Rockingham County government versus the cost of operating other county governments. Schoolfield and company did three months of meticulous and objective research to discover at least six departments in Rockingham County government may be spending an inordinate amount of money to accomplish the same thing that some (not all) other counties accomplish for much less. The CBSTFPP's report to the Commissioners wasn't the end product, it was a starting point for department heads to get cranking to find out why somebody seems to be doing it cheaper, in some cases a lot cheaper. Steve Allan didn't see the CBSTFPP in the same light.
In essence, Allan dismissed the work of the CBSTFPP as a bunch of hooey and he took great pains and a considerable portion of his two-hour oral report to point that out to the Commissioners. It's not about how much money is being spent by county government, it's about the services being delivered. The CBSTFPP amateurs don't understand the county government equation.
According to Allan, Rockinham County government has three fundamental problems: 1) The county government lacks a mission statement. Nobody in county government knows where they are going, and why they do what they do, because they lack the vision that would come from a mission statement; 2) county employees,especially department heads, need more time to be creative so they can solve the county's problems; and 3) the public is grossly misinformed about what county government does.
Every consultant, government or private business, who has studied the Standard Book of Consultant-Speak, jumps on the mission statement thing. It's been in vogue in the consulting world since 1985. Every organization needs a mission statement and a consultant must be hired to formulate and/or appraise that mission statement. If you want to know more about what a mission statement is, go to Google.com and search for 'mission statement'. Our search returned 69,300,000 hits. The best examples of mission statements can be found at the "Mission Statement Generator" page found at
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/games/career/bin/ms.cgi . Please try the link. We promise you will be rewarded for your effort.
If you don't have a computer, go to the Rockingham County Public Library and use one of their computers. If the library's federally-mandated filtering software doesn't block the page, you can learn to become a consultant to government and private enterprise, proving the public library is both a career center and a place to pick up government-provided paperback Harlequin romance novels with Fabio and his famous flowing locks and chiseled pecs on the covers.
Steve never really explained about county employees being more creative. Presumably Steve will provide more details if the Commissioners decide to hire him to do Phases II and III of his organizational efficiency study. Phases II & III are more expensive than Phase I, and the Commissioners will need some time to fully digest what they got for the $18,000+ they paid for Phase I.
Allan noted he never caught any county employees reading Playboy or Good Housekeeping, but he also never caught any of them reading County Employees Weekly or the Consultants Journal. Allan indicated county employees need more resources, such as better office furniture, better telephones, more space, and more help. These resources will give county employees more time to pursue creative endeavors.
County employees are spending too much time "putting out fires" or performing routine tasks. There is not sufficient time in the work day of the average county employee to be creative. The Commissioners should provide more resources to allow county employees to be more creative. Some suggestions for creative outlets that we've heard here at the Chronicle include photography, sculpting, painting, pottery, and wood craving, but the Commissioners should consult with their expert before deciding what is appropriate.
Now comes the sweetest morsel of the $18,000 report from professional consultant Steve Allan. Allan only spent a few minutes on it, but it was potent. The failings and inadequacies of the CBSTFPP got far more attention from Allan, but there were ten people on the CBSTFPP. The best buy per pound was Allan's comments on the how the citizens of Rockingham County are misinformed about county government.
It seems, thanks to a newspaper known as the "Neely Carbuncle" (that's how Allan referred to the Neely Chronicle), that many citizens think County Attorney Eugene Russell, who is often mentioned in the "Carbuncle", handles divorce cases. Of course, Mr. Russell does not do divorce work. He is a full-time employee at Government House. Mr. Russell's job is to defend Government House and the Commissioners no matter what they do or don't do. Mr. Russell has his hands quite full without getting involved in who gets the kids and who gets the family goldfish,
The "Carbuncle" is also responsible for people calling the 9-1-1 Emergency Call Center to get directions. "Carbuncle" readers have been told to call 9-1-1 if they need to know where to find the best bologna burger in Reidsville (Stadler's Grocery, according to a critically acclaimed Monday Night Live viewer poll). He may have been paid $18,000, but Steve Allan is full of...well, bologna. The "Carbuncle" has never told anyone to call 9-1-1 to get directions to Stadlers. Only call 9-1-1 to order an emergency delivery of a bologna burger from Stadler's
OK, now you want to know what this "Neely Carbuncle" business is. You probably also want to know what a "carbuncle" is. First the easy part - a carbuncle is a painful, festering, pus-filled boil.
"Carbuncle" is also what Steve Allan called the Neely Chronicle when he told the Commissioners in his $18,000 report that the "Neely Carbuncle" is the reason Dell Computers abandoned its plan to build a new manufacturing plant in Rockingham County and instead decided to go with Forsyth County. Allan told the Commissioners that Michael Dell, the CEO and founder of Dell Computers, read a copy of the "Neely Carbuncle" (possibly Issue #45) and ordered all plans to build the factory in Rockingham County to be scrapped.
This is not a joke. The preceding is what Allan reported to the County Commissioners.
Apparently, the $42,000,000 that Forsyth County and Winston-Salem coughed up, along with another $250,000,000 in state corporate welfare, played no part in the decision to build the Dell plant in Forsyth County. It was the "Neely Carbuncle" that dicked the Dell deal at the last minute.
We've always said corporate welfare doesn't accomplish anything except make the taxpayers poorer. Taxpayers are forced to pay corporate welfare to companies that have already decided on a location based on many other factors, such as skill level of the workforce, cultural amenities, infra-structure, education, and ease of doing business in a particular location. Now Steve Allan has supported our contention. Dell didn't abandon its Rockingham County plan because Forsyth County held out a $42,000,000 carrot, Dell chose Forsyth County because the Winston-Salem Journal, which is part of the Media General Empire, doesn't sass local governments.
The Winston-Salem Journal, like all Media General papers, toes the party line. The "Neely Carbuncle" makes local governments and public officials look bad by reporting what they actually do and say rather than printing the official script as it is written for the media.
The "Carbuncle", the boil that festers on the butts of local officials, probably cost the county 5,000 jobs, if you include the Dell workforce and all the businesses that will service the Dell factory. If you don't believe the lowly "Carbuncle" has that kind of power, then ask professional consultant Steve Allan or any of the Rockingham County Commissioners. They'll give you the straight of it.
Just to make sure Steve Allan wasn't giving the "Carbuncle" more credit than it deserved, we called Lisa Perry, Director of the Rockingham County Partnership for Economic and Tourism Development (the BORG), to verify Allan's claim. We figured if anyone knows what went into the Dell decision to go with Forsyth County rather than Rockingham County, it would be Perry.
Incredibly, Perry answered "That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard" when asked if the "Neely Carbuncle" was responsible for Dell rejecting Rockinham County.
According to Perry, Dell selected Forsyth County because of its proximity to the interstate highway system. She then added Michael Dell wasn't even on the site selection committee.
What a bunch of nonsense! Obivously, Ms. Perry has some sort of ax to grind with the "Carbuncle." She refuses to give the "Carbuncle" the credit it is due. We're sorry we ever made that phone call to Lisa Perry. What the hell does Lisa Perry know? Nobody paid Lisa Perry $18,000 to do an organizational efficiency study and give her professional opinion of the "Carbuncle." That was Steve Allan's job.
Ms. Perry should, as South Park's cartoon character Cartman tells everyone, "RESPECT MY AUTHORI-TIE!"
We should mention the always astute Tom Schoolfield said Steve Allan did not point out every carbuncle has a root cause. There is always a reason boils erupt on somebody's butt.
More findings from Steve Allan's Phase I $18,000 organizational efficiency study of the Rockingham County government...
- Although his contract called for him to actually spend very few hours in Rockingham County to do his $18,000+ organization efficiency study of the Rockingham County government, Allan reported the Tax Department, the Register of Deeds Office, the Veterans Office, the Emegency Services Department, and the Sheriff's Department are all doing excellent jobs. We can only assume Allan was able to do such an incredible amount of research by studying charts or making a lot of phone calls from his home/office/den/kitchen/garage in Charlotte.
- Allan said the county's Legal Department has saved the county millions of dollars by practicing an "avoidance style of management." Allan didn't explain "avoidance management". We assume Allan was referring to Eugene Russell's extraordinary ability to rationalize any legal missteps made by the Commissioners and other Government House officials and public boards. You never have to waste time or money on defending your client if you can always invent a loophole that proves your client never did anything wrong in the first place. There is no one better than Eugene Russell, who doesn't handle divorce cases, by the way.
- People who complain about the money being spent or mismanaged by the Public Health Department need to consider what will happen when funding to the Public Health Department is cut and then terrorists launch a biological attack on Rockingham County. I can tell you what will happen - you'll be damned sorry you ever complained about Public Health Director Glenn Martin's whiny monotone.
- The Emergency Communications Center needs a new building and a new communications tower that is less susceptible to lightning strikes. Incredibly, this is the same conclusion that other engineering consultants reached many, many months ago. Steve Allan obviously spent some time reading the engineers' reports or at least he read the minutes of the Commissioner meeting when the engineers gave their reports.
- The Planning and Inspections Department has "got their hands full." This kind of insight doesn't come cheap, folks
- If you're going to have a Public Library, then you should "do it right". To prove his point, Allan recounted a story of meeting a 58-year-old man who looked like he was at least 70. The weary man was laid-off from one of the county's many defunct textile factories. The man wanted to apply for a job at Food Lion, but Food Lion's job applications are only available online. The mill worker didn't have a computer so he went to the public library to download an application to work at Food Lion. Steve never heard whether the man got the coveted Food Lion job, but he's going to check on how it turned out some day, and besides the story proves how important it is to "do it right" when it comes to the public library. You may be wondering what this tale of the hapless mill worker has to do with an organizational efficiency study. Your wondering only proves you have absolutely no aptitude to be a hot-shot professional consultant to local government like Steve Allan. Get a life, loser!
- Animal Control should be handled by another department. Enough said.
- The Elections office is little more than a closet. If the Elections office had more room, it would eliminate many of the nuisance calls that the Elections office receives. That makes perfect sense.
- The Register of Deeds Office gets more hits than any other county government web page. This proves the CBSTFPP's scrutiny of the Register of Deeds Office was a witch hunt.
- It's really, really great when Dumpster Deputy Tinker Woods catches people dumping trash on a green grassy spot.
- CBSTFPP member Garland McCollum's comment that county government should use a more business-like approach was laughable because Garland didn't consider Enron, Tyco, Burlington Industries, and the American Tobacco Company were all miserable failures. Allan's comment about Burlington Industries especially impressed Tom Schoolfield who is a retired Burlington Industries manager.
- People who complain about a property tax increase are a bunch of whiny little babies. The whiny little babies should shut up and pay the increases that are necessary to hire consultants.
- The only way government can be changed is for government to change itself. The change cannot come from outside government. Steve was right on the money with this observation. Citizens who think beating their heads against the wall will eventually cause the wall to crumble are living in a fantasy world. Give up and give up now. It's hopeless. There is nothing you can do. Not even elections can make a difference. If elections actually changed anything, then elections would be outlawed. If by reading the "Carbuncle" you have gotten the idea that you can make a difference, then you are wrong. This false hope is part of the "Carbuncle's public misinformation campaign. The sooner you abandon all hope, the easier things will be for you.
- Allan suggested the Commissioners organize community focus groups to help solve the county's problems. He suggested the Commissioners meet with high school students, go to retirement homes, and talk to the Jaycees to unlock the creative power of the people. Whatever you do, just don't form another loose canon like the CBSTFPP committee. Allan said something about involving the "worker bees". He may have been talking about harnessing the creative power of county employees.
- In the 21st century, the most successful problem solvers will be creative people, not wealthy people. County employees cannot be creative if they are overworked.
- The county needs to spend a year to do strategic planning and prepare a large document to illustrate and support its strategic plan. An example of such a plan can be found on the Dilbert Comics web site or by looking at the volumes of material produced by the Rockingham Tomorrow group. The Rockingham Tomorrow volumes can possibly be found on a high shelf in the County Manager's office. If they're not there, check in the little building behind the Rockingham Public Library. It's being used to store items that nobody ever uses, but everybody is afraid to throw away.
Suggestions we've heard for how the county government can lance the "Neely Carbuncle" Problem, which is sometimes called the "Richard Moore Problem":
- Shut down Moore and his pesky little bookstore and newspaper.
- Hire Steve Allan to mount a massive "anti-Carbuncle" campaign. If you say it often enough and long and loud enough, people will eventually believe the "Carbuncle" kept Dell out of Rockingham County.
- Knock some sense into county and city officials and the school board, drying up the rich source that feeds the huge "Carbuncle" on the butt of local government
- Buy Moore's silence. It will cost a lot less than Steve Allan has charged to discover the Neely County Courthouse is old and report Food Lion puts it job applications for grocery baggers on the internet.
Editor's note: Consider #3 to be a lost cause. #2 is certainly doable, but it would take a lot of time and money. The county has plenty of money. What money Government House doesn't already have can be easily looted from the taxpayers. Time is the limiting factor for option #2 - a quicker solution is needed, especially now that the "Carbuncle" has a weekly TV show and an internet radio station. The county's three new Super Wal-Mart's may do what David Wise, Jeff Sykes, and Celeste DePriest have not been able to do on their own - option #1. If the Super Wal-Mart nuclear devastation option should fail, and a quick solution is needed, option #4 is the ticket. Moore has said he has a figure sealed in an envelope in a Duke's mayonnaise jar buried in his back yard. Any county or city government or school board willing to meet or exceed that figure can have the bragging rights that will go to the buyer who finally solves the "Richard Moore Problem".
A QUOTE OF NOTE
"I thought it was a Laurel and Hardy routine until I realized they weren't joking." - an on-the-air caller gives his reaction to hearing Monday Night Live host Mark Childrey and Neely Chronicle Publisher Richard Moore discuss Steve Allan's accusation that the "Carbuncle" was responsible for the county's loss of the Dell Computer factory.
Update: The Reidsville Police Department caught Rockingham County School Board member Ron Price taking Democrat Brad Miller campaign signs from the roadside and replacing them with signs for Republican Vernon Robinson. Ron Price sued Richard Moore and the Carbuncle for reporting these facts. Price lost the case, but the high cost of defending Moore and the Carbuncle ended the newspaper. Dell eventually opened a facility in
Forsyth County, operated a few months, and then closed up and moved out of North Carolina. Dell received nearly $300 million in incentive money from the taxpayers. More than 900 people lost their jobs when the plant closed. This happened
after the "Neely Carbuncle" had been run out of business.
It turns out Allan was right all along about the "Carbuncle".
