Tuesday, June 5, 2018

IT'S REALLY AN AWESOME THING



In an effort to keep millennials down on the farm, the Reidsville Chamber of Commerce has announced Reidsville's Walmart will be offering a free grocery pick-up service. The groceries are obviously not free, but you can drive to Walmart and pick them up for free.

This free service is only available at what was once the world's largest Walmart or at least that's what Mayor James Festerman said. Reidsville's Walmart is also the county leader in shoplifting. If you want to steal it, the Reidsville Walmart is the place to go to do your work.

Councilwoman Sherry Walker announced her dress came from Walmart and Councilman Donald Gorham said his children used to beg him to stop at Walmart, not to buy anything, but to just look around. Councilwoman Terresa Scoble, who was convicted of shoplifting at the Reidsville Walmart, was obviously moved by the great event and said something unmemorable but quite profound.

Chamber Director Diane Sawyer (she's the one with streaked up hair) announced if you use Walmart's free service and say the secret password of "WOW", or something like that, you will get $10 off your grocery bill.

Walmart offered a special orange-trimmed cake ("Walmart cake is the best cake ever") that had been baked for the ceremony and Diane showed off something that looked like a giant orange tower that delivers your groceries into your waiting arms if you scan some sort of barcode.

Don't forget to say "WOW" or "SUPER WOW" or something like that to get your discount.

For reasons that were not explained, three Reidsville uniformed Police officers were present to guard the event. Maybe they were there to keep an eye on Scoble and Festerman who was also involved in a grocery store incident at Atlantic Beach. Festerman was told not to ever return to the Atlantic Beach Food Lion. Police were involved there also.

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